Day 13: The Greatest and Most Ancient Evil That Has Ever Been, Ever

I wrote this on Saturday, on the plane down to Conyers, GA. I had a Chicago City Limits show at Heritage High School, the same high school that my friend Ashley Ward and her buddy Jack McBrayer (of 30 Rock fame) went to. It was neat to see pictures of the two of them in high school productions of whatever those were productions of. It was also my public debut of the Sarah Palin song I wrote last week. I was worried that it might be a little too risque for a conservative-ish crowd in a high school, but the racy parts at the end seemed to be their favorite parts.

I chose to write a sketch I've tried to write before, with no success. This time I jettisoned the other characters and wrote it as a monologue. Enjoy!

The Greatest and Most Ancient Evil That Has Ever Been, Ever

MWO-O-O-O-O-OH!!! YA-A-A-A-A-AHH!!! HO-WO-O-O-O-O-OH!!! You are in for it now, Bucko! You are in some serious hot water. Do you have any idea who I am? Do you have any idea what you have summoned with that trade paperback copy of the Necronomicon? Of course you don't, with your tiny, mortal brain, any more than an earthworm understands what it sees when — well, earthworms don't actually see. But that... that's actually a good analogy, right? Because your view of the world can't compare to my all-knowing, all-powerful... uh... power. You know what I mean. Or rather, you have no idea what I mean, because, like I said... you know... (trails off) MWO-O-O-O-O-OH!!!

I see what you're thinking now. Literally, I might add. Grey skin, horns, eyes in a circle on my chest. You're thinking, "Oh, no! I've summoned a demon! What should I do?" Well, guess what? A demon? Would be like a trip to the ice cream store compared to what you have now, buster. Demons?Are you kidding me? They're like puppies to me. No, more like Sea Monkeys. That's how PUNY they are, compared to me. I don't even care about them, in case you were wondering. I might check out a demon for a second and then I'm all, NEXT! Because it's pathetic how much they, how much they just SUCK. As far as I'm concerned. (makes weird, pathetic magician gesture and half-hearted explosion sound)

That is to say, not a demon. They're like a fad to me, is how much more ancient and evil I am than them. And please DO NOT say I am like Satan. POSEUR! I HATE that guy! King of Hell... what has he done that's so great? I was around WAY before him, which you would know if you knew anything. If he hadn't been besties with God at one point, no one would even know who he was. Coattails much? And then they get into a fight and he pretends he's too cool for God, which, you know, "Go Evil" and everything but still.

God, by the way? Johnny-come-lately. Acts like he was the first guy to create a universe... uh, excuse me! I'm sorry, are you checking your email? Could you not? You're in the presence of a being older than your God... how about focusing for at least a second? Evil monologue over here! Thank you.

Don't give me that look! Seriously... do you know what I'm capable of? WHA-YO-KA-CHA! Ahem. So, pretty much everything old and evil and powerful you can think of, to me? Is like some piece of Chinese novelty crap you buy at your "Spencer Gifts." Cthuhlu monster? A coffee mug with boobs on it. Galactus, devourer of worlds? Who, by the way is real? Met him once? Not sure how Marvel Comics managed to get that right? Fart machine. After a couple of weeks, they break, or the batteries run out, or you just think why would I ever want to see this fart machine again, and you throw them away. That's what I think of your worst nightmares. Only my couple of weeks is millions of eons... do you get what I am saying to you? I WILL fuck YOU UP!!! So that's... you know... what you get... for...

(Trails off, looks around the room.)

Is that a Boris Vallejo poster? Cool. I knew it. That warrior girl is HOT.

Copyright © 2008 Jeff S.