This one's kind of obscene. Don't let your kids read it.
The Subway Pitch
IN BLACK, A VIDEO PROJECTION
Michael, masturbating, his crotch off-camera. He keeps gagging and almost vomiting. This continues for an interminable 15-30 seconds. Then a Subway logo appears on the screen.
LIGHTS UP. DAN, JEFF and RACHEL in business attire. Dan looks at the other two anxiously as they think about what they've just seen.
RACHEL
So...that's...our new pitch to Subway.
DAN
Forget "pitch." This is ready to go. They give this the greenlight, we don't have to cast it, we don't have to shoot it. It's on the air tomorrow as is.
JEFF
I don't know...
DAN
I know what you're thinking. It's a little risque.
RACHEL
I'll say.
JEFF
I'd go so far as to say it is a lot risque. Can I see the remote?
They watch some of it again. He pauses it in a particularly funny place.
JEFF
I'm not completely sold.
RACHEL
It does speak directly to their target. Males 18-35 will relate to this.
DAN
(excitedly)
Right? I mean, think about it....what do all 18-35 year-old guys like?
RACHEL JEFF
Football! Masturbation!
JEFF (cont'd)
I'm just not quite convinced that the whole vomit thing is optimal for selling sandwiches.
DAN
See, though... this isn't about food.
JEFF
It isn't?
RACHEL
(pretending she knows what she's talking about)
No, it's not...
Through the following speech, Rachel sort of repeats the important words of Dan's sentences in a diffident murmur.
DAN
It's about attitude. People don't pay attention to commercials anymore. They fast-forward through them. They leave the room. This commercial reaches a generation that has been sold to 24 hours a day for their whole lives. If they sense they're being sold to... EHHH! The alarm goes off.
RACHEL
They will not be fast-forwarding through this commercial.
DAN
Or if they do, it will only be because it's funny to watch him masturbate fast. Check this out.
They fast-forward through it. Through much of the rest of the scene, Rachel is rewinding, fast-forwarding, playing and pausing the commerical.
DAN (cont'd)
See... when you see this, you don't know what's going on. You search for meaning and the commercial tells you to fuck off. It's the commercial equivalent of those guys who are dicks to girls they want to hook up with. This commercials all, "You should use conditioner. Your hair looks like straw." And the next thing you know, you want to make out with it. By buying a 12-inch Italian sub with a combo.
RACHEL
He's sold me...I'll say that. Dan, what are you doing tonight?
JEFF
It's an intriguing argument. Here's the thing, though. From what I've heard from the other account managers, you've submitted this same clip for the last five commercial pitches, and no one has ever approved it. In fact, we've lost every single account, probably forever. FedEx. Mrs. Fields. Citibank. BMW. And... there was one more....
DAN
The March of Dimes.
JEFF
Right. The March of Dimes. Don't get me wrong.... now that I've finally seen it, I see its genius, but—
DAN
This commercial will be the best thing that ever happened to whatever company has the balls to run it. I'm not shooting a new commercial until I sell this one.
JEFF
All right. We'll pitch it.
DAN
Yes!
JEFF
WHOO! This is scary.
DAN
You won't regret it.
JEFF
This is why we pay you the big bucks, right?
RACHEL
(looking at screen)
Where did you find this guy?
DAN
Oh, that's just my roommate. He was really hungover. He didn't know I was taping.
LIGHTS OUT. A video montage of various trade magazines trumpeting the success of the new Subway campaign and a new trend in marketing.
Copyright © 2008 Jeff S.
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